2020: What Does Goldilocks Have To Do With It?
As a therapist, I’ve been hearing a lot about rising anxiety. My own anxiety has gone up. The environment in which we currently live is TENSE. COVID-19, followed by racial injustice and police brutality has brought to the surface deep divisions among us. People are either very vocal in their opinion and actions or silent. Assumptions and judgments are made no matter side of the fence you find yourself on.
I am human and a therapist; I hold my own beliefs, opinions, and values. I try to be discerning how, where and with whom I share those because I want my clients to be able to feel open in discussing and bringing their issues to session. I strive to meet people where they are and help them be true to themselves. I can honestly say I love my clients, I love them for who they are… Because what else is there when you actually get to know someone beyond their beliefs, opinions, values, and actions?
The answer: a lovable human being.
I don’t want to get political.
I don’t want to argue.
I don’t want to take any particular stand in this post.
Some of you will judge me for that and I’m okay with it.
What I do want is for me and for you to be better thinkers, better friends, better citizens.
The boundaries are broad, and intentionally so. There is beauty in diversity.
It is never my objective for you to think like I do, behave like I do… but it is my hope for us to be better together as we bring together our individual positions in a respectful manner. I do not have the answers. You do not have the answers. Together—through truth, love and dialogue— we may get closer to the answers. And while we may get closer, we may never hold them.
And that’s where Goldilocks comes in. Goldilocks represents the middle path. Goldilocks represents the mix of two opposites- hot and cold, firm and soft, big and small and so on.
In DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) the term is “dialectic” – which tells us there can be truth in two things that seem opposite. I’ll explain more about this, but first, it’s important to understand that our brain makes sense of the world around us by filing and categorizing information and experiences:
Good or bad
Like it or don’t like it
Yes or no… and so on
It’s easy. It saves us time. But the trouble is, it’s rather rudimentary to reduce the world into two opposing options. There is far more grey. It’s complex. It takes work. So, when we come across something that falls in both categories, it often produces anxiety or distress. In effort to mediate the distress, we tend to take a strong stance toward one while fully rejecting the other. On the surface, it reduces the tension we may experience, especially if we feel connected with others in the process. The work of undoing some of this mental filing is rather taxing, so many people prefer to remain in their black or white world and find alternative ways of coping or numbing.
In the past few days, I’m seeing more and more people speak out against the black or white filters and suggesting we can support both. We can take a stand against injustice and support law and order. We can advocate for caution and live life. It’s just that the line you settle on and I settle on in terms of what that looks like may be different. It doesn’t make you a bad or ignorant person. It doesn’t make me a bad or ignorant person. And what makes us better is the ability to engage in our differing opinions in a civil and respectful manner without giving up on our own values.
It’s complicated, but possible. My challenge to you, when you come across an opinion or action that is different from yours, is to find the truth in the opposite. DBT offers the following suggestions for doing so:
Recognize “either/or” thinking and try replacing it with both/and. Example: A parent can be strict AND loving.
Don’t make assumptions.
Observe facts instead of reading intentions and motives.
Consider other perspectives. Approach with curiosity to understand another point of view.
Accept that others may hold a different opinion from you and it can be valid AND you can disagree.
So, while Goldilocks was rather inflexible, looking for just the right thing, dialectics helps us to avoid the extremes like Goldilocks, which will create more flexibility and reduce tension. In closing, I’ll leave you with a foundational belief of DBT which is dialectic: we are all doing the best we can AND we can do better.